Reflections Of The Past
by Sapphira2
Summary: A short, tear-jerker fic on Buffy reflecting back on her life in Sunnydale, and the men that she's loved that have left her... Including Angel... Please Read and Review! Completed...


Reflections of the Past

Short Story Based On "Buffy The Vampire Slayer"

Disclaimer: I make no claims to the ownership of the series, so don't sue me.

Archives: Sure. If you want it, feel free to post it. Just please make sure that the credit goes back to me, and let me know where it's going… But yeah, I'd be honored if anyone wanted to post it on their web site…

Author's Note: This was just something that I thought up the evening of Jan. 1, 2003 after watching a couple of the episodes during the Buffy Marathon on FX. The main one being, "Angel" from the first season, when Buffy found out who and what Angel really was.

Ever since the first season of this series, I was drawn to the forbidden love story of the Slayer, and her Angel. Their story is one of the most haunting that I've ever become involved with, and I think it will always be a part of us. The love and the passion and the pain that they shared was just overwhelming, and I remember crying my eyes out for hours afterward the season finale of Season Two, when Angel had been sent to Hell… only to go back through that crying jag at the end of Season Three when he left Buffy for good. Knowing that they could never truthfully be together. I've never had a story that had me so literally heartbroken before. 

After Season Three I didn't stay as heavily involved with the series, but I do keep track of it, and when I can, I'll find myself watching it for the sake of the whole Buffy/Spike thing that they now have going on. But nothing could compare to the heart wrenching connection that Buffy and Angel shared. And it took me going back over that first major episode for them to remember that.

After watching that episode, all those memories of staying up late at night to watch the chemistry between those two spark up a storyline that carried us away for three years, came flooding back. (and those that have been with it from the beginning will remember when it was still in the middle of it's struggling first season, and it only came on like, 10 and 11 o' clock at night.) I started thinking on everything that they went through together, and everything that Buffy went through afterwards. How all the men in her life either betrayed her, hurt her, abandoned her, or all of the above. (Except for Xander) So that is how this story came about. It's just a short piece of Buffy dwelling on the reflections of the past…and of her heart…

Please review once you've read it through. Keep in mind that since I haven't been quite as faithful a viewer lately, that I apologize if I stumble over anything…Feel free to set me straight if I mess up anywhere!

Enjoy…

~~~~~~ 

Another night, another graveyard, another fight… another destroyed vampire that never even had a chance.

Buffy sighed as she flexed the sore muscles in her back, wincing at the pulling sensation in her neck as she rotated it around, working out the kinks. Knowing that in just another hour, any bruises or pulled muscles would be a figment of the past. 

One of the advantages of being the Slayer was the increased healing capability… one of the advantages to having lived so long as such, was that the ability only became stronger with every passing year.

But, when one thought back on how every year had just been worse than the last when it came to fighting off legions of the undead, demons from other realms, and stopping apocalypse after apocalypse, she was glad that at least one thing had kept up with the times.

Buffy looked down at her watch and groaned. That was it, she'd had enough for one evening. Time to go home, grab something to eat, take a shower, and hit the sack. She'd been at it since sundown, and it was already nearing one in the morning.

Not that the hours hadn't been fruitful. Thanks to her, another five vampires were dead, and who knew how many potential human victims had been spared. At least, that was what she told herself night after night. Day after day, when she started to question all the good she seemed to accomplish. It was a never-ending battle. Every day just struggling to survive. Every night fighting with the creatures from hell. And every year that passed her by, making her wonder just how long could she keep on going like this? 

She had destroyed more vampires than she ever cared to count. Their deaths swimming out in front of her like an ocean of darkness that would never part. She didn't regret having killed them, but on the same token, she couldn't help but wonder at the ease in which she had done so for almost eight years. The hunt, the chase… the kill. They had become such an integral part of her existence. 

And yes, she had even come to enjoy it. She still wasn't sure what that said about her.

Taking her time as she walked down the deserted street on her way home to Dawn, she tilted her head up to look at the night sky, noticing the frosted cloud cover that was swirling in and over the velvet expanse. 

How long had it been since she could see night fall upon the Earth, and see it as being a beautiful phase of the day that it was? How long had it been since she couldn't see the night as anything other than the cloak that shadowed and sheltered evil?

_…Not since Angel…_

Buffy closed her eyes against the truth in the wayward answer that her sub-conscious sent her. Yes, not since Angel. The first one in her life that she had given her heart to… 

And the one who, in a way, still possessed her soul.

She never talked about him anymore. Never allowed any other to mention him. But, nights like this, when she was all alone, she couldn't help but reflect on their connection that had been destined to end in heartache. She remembered the times they had spent together when things had been simple. Before they had made love, and the curse had been broken, unleashing Angelus once more. Before they had suffered the consequences of their love, when the night had been their domain, their world. When she could look up at the stars glittering like diamonds, and feel at ease in the beauty of the night surrounding her… just because he was there beside her to show it to, and share it with her.

Surprised at the path her thoughts had taken her this night, Buffy unconsciously brushed a wayward tear from her cheek, and glanced back down to the cracked pavement she was treading over. Yes, she still missed him. Still longed for him. How could she not, after he had become such a huge part of her heart? A heart that still cried out to him sometimes in the middle of the night, before she managed to lock that pain away and down deep. 

Letting out a shuddering breath, Buffy allowed her mind to think back over the years since Angel had left her – had it only been three and a half? – and acknowledged the fact that the pain hadn't stopped there. Over the last eight years, all the men in her life had left. Her father…Angel…Riley… the boyfriends in-between… even Giles. 

Giles, who she had thought would always be there for her. Who she had thought she'd never be without.

Buffy tilted her chin up and kept walking despite the pain that had suddenly arched its way through her soul. She had lost so many, and still had so much to lose. She was afraid of what might happen to Dawn as she continued to grow up, coming into whatever destiny that would be hers. What would happen to Willow or Xander… What had ALREADY happened to them since they had met her so many, yet so few, years past. She hadn't been the only one to experience pain and loss. Willow still wasn't right after the loss of Tara, and from Buffy's experience, wouldn't be for a long time to come. Oh yeah, she knew that pain well, having suffered through the loss of Angel… not once, but **_three_** times. And who knew what the future held for Xander or Anya. 

Buffy closed her eyes, as the a slight breeze kicked up and brushed its fingers against her slightly damp face. Damp, because stray tears kept falling down her silken skin, unchecked. 

They had all changed so much since the beginning of high school, their original hook-up and founding of the Scooby Gang. How much **_she _**had changed. How different she had become.

She no longer feared death, having already tasted it, not once, but twice. She no longer feared for herself or her life when confronted with yet another Evil that she had to destroy to save the World **_yet _**again. She no longer fought against what she did as the Slayer, because she knew that this wasn't a job. It wasn't a calling, a gift, or even a curse. 

It was simply who she was, and who she would always be. She could never stop being the Slayer, just like she could never stop the tides from shifting. Never stop the love she felt towards those closest to her… or the pain she felt towards those she had lost.

As far as she knew, Angel still believed she was dead. Maybe it was best that way. At least then he could get on with his life and his calling in Los Angeles without having to be constantly drawn back to Sunnydale… and to her. 

She smiled slightly, painfully, through her sudden melancholy as she remembered the way he had always protected her. Cared for her. Sheltered her. Guarded her. He truly had been her Angel, and she knew that the news of her death must have cut him deeply. She prayed that he hadn't blamed himself for not being there with her. Hoped that he had kept up with his work in the City of Angels… for her. For both of them. And she wished that one day his soul would find the peace that he truly deserved… whether **_he_** believed he deserved it or not. 

And she hoped he wouldn't hate her, when he one day, unavoidably discovered that she was back from the dead, but had kept her existence a secret from him. 

Pulling her thoughts away from Angel, she allowed her thoughts to drift over the other men that had been in her life.

She hadn't heard from her father since the whole dispute over whom Dawn was better off with… 

Riley was probably off somewhere in Brazil, South America, Africa, or New Zealand… carrying on the battle in those continents that she herself would never see, with his partner and wife at his side… 

And Giles, well… Giles was gone.

But she was still here. And she was yet again walking alone.

****** 

Buffy let out a groan as she slipped under the comfort and sheets of her bed. Leaning over to turn off the lamp on her bedside table. Plunging her room into soothing darkness as she stretched sinuously beneath the welcoming weight of the bedclothes. Burying herself under its warmth after the coolness of the shower she had taken to wash away the familiar musty smell of dirt and vampire ash from her skin and hair. Thankful just to be rid of the clinging particles that never ceased to remind her of who she was… as if she needed a reminder.

She turned onto her side and looked out the window shaded with blinds. The lines of shadows dancing over her body. How many times had Angel come to her by way of that window? How many times had she used it to sneak out of the house to go patrolling, but in all honesty, really to be with him?

She closed her eyes while her fingers played with a small silver object. She had to fight against the burning sensation under her lids. Unwilling for the tears clinging to her lashes to fall. 

And how many times had she wished she could go back in time to those days? When she had been so optimistic about their relationship? When the night had held so much promise, and she had never thought that anything bad could happen to her or to Angel that would forever change the course of their lives? Before the hell that had been those months when her Angel had fallen and **_Angelus_** had risen. Before that morning when she had set out to destroy the demon that had taken her soul mate away from her, only to have Angel's soul restored far too late. Before she had had no choice but to send him to hell via the Acathla demon… and had destroyed a part of herself in the process.

And then when he had come back, more animal than man, after what to him had been over a hundred years spent in that eternal torment... Instinct sending him to her side more than the memory of their time spent together, saving her life, and in turn, remembering who he was, and who **_she_** was to him.

And then the way he had felt against her body, when he had dropped to his knees in front of her, face buried in her stomach, arms wrapped so tightly around her waist, shuddering in relief of being free from the hell that she herself had sent him to.

Buffy buried her face deeper into her pillow and let those tears come. She remembered the moments that had come after. Those precious, bittersweet moments that she had known, even then, wouldn't last forever. But yet those moments would have to last her a lifetime…

Her, crushing his resolve not to feed upon her life-force, when the blood of a Slayer was the only thing that would save his life. The heady combination of the pleasure and pain of the sensation of him drinking her in. The ecstasy that she had felt in giving herself to him in such a way…

And then the sight of him watching her. Good-byes not even necessary. The sadness in his eyes, reflecting in hers, speaking all the words they hadn't needed to say, as he turned and disappeared into the smoke and haze of that night… walking away from her and from Sunnydale.

But despite what she had believed, it hadn't ended there. He had come to her several times afterwards… always when she had needed him the most, and sometimes when his presence had done nothing but wreck havoc on her still battered heart. 

And she had gone to him… that last time… 

She still wasn't sure as to what had happened. She couldn't stop believing that there was something that she should remember… something important. But every time she reached for it, it slinked away from her grasp and back into the shadows of her mind. Always out of reach.

She had tried to make a life with Riley. Heaven knew she had tried. And she had loved him, still did, in a way. Loving Angel hadn't taken that ability away from her. She was capable of loving another, even if that person would never be the other part of her soul the way that Angel would always be. Riley had known that, and he hadn't been able to accept it.

But that didn't mean it hadn't hurt like hell when he had left Sunnydale in that helicopter. Never once looking down to where she called to him franticly. The pain she had felt that night had cut her to the bone. And when he had come back to Sunnydale, tracking down a demon, the woman that he had taken for a wife had been proof enough just how much he had never been hers. Riley was human, and he deserved the happiness he would have with one. Even if they shared the same Cause. It was one that they could leave one day if they so chose… Unlike Buffy, who would always be tied to this life, this existence. Who could never stop being who she was. Who could never settle down and just simply quit. Who could never have a family… for any child of hers would most likely grow up without a mother…

This was why the Watchers of the past hadn't allowed the Slayers of the past to become involved. Not so much because of the distraction, but because they just weren't meant to love. For anyone that they loved would always be in danger. Would always be looking over their shoulder. Would always be a target.

Buffy had always fought against that pre-destined belief of what was expected of a Slayer. But now… now she wasn't so sure if the Watchers hadn't been right. 

All the men in her life that she had cared for were gone. They had all left her behind. And she was so tired of being left behind. 

And then there had been her mother… She hadn't died from a demon or a vampire. Hadn't died because of something that Buffy had brought upon her.

She had died from something that Buffy hadn't been able to fight against. Hadn't been able to stop. Even with all her powers and abilities, there was still a limit to what she could do.

She clenched her fist around the small object on her hand. The edges of it cutting into her palm. The sudden flow of tears coming to a halt.

And then there was Spike…William. The vampire **_without _**a soul that did truthfully love her, she knew that now. In a way, had always known. The vampire, which had stood by her, protected her, and most importantly, had protected and cared for Dawn. Keeping her safe, even after Buffy had died. Keeping his promise to her that he would always watch over her sister.

And as much as she wanted to forget about him, about all they had done together… she couldn't block out the images of him being tortured by Glory because of them both… and never once telling her what she wanted to hear. He would have died for her, for them. And he had proven that time and time again.

But despite what he had endured at the hands of others, simply for loving the Slayer and protecting her younger sister, she knew that **_she_** had been the one who had hurt him the worst. And the thought made her heart ache more than she was willing to admit.

Buffy pushed away her thoughts of Spike. They confused and bewildered her at times. She was never sure as to how to handle them from day to day. And the idea that one day she would have to face them, really frightened her.

Her, who hadn't been afraid for herself in so long.

Buffy listened thoughtlessly in the dark solitude of her room as rain outside began to fall. The sound of it hitting the roof above her head soothing her frayed nerves. Allowing the tension in her body to finally ease, and the heartache she had been experiencing this evening, sharper than usual, began to dissipate. Leaving her with a strange euphoria starting to cloud her mind, as she began to fall asleep. 

Her emotions were drained, and the welcoming darkness of sleep crept up to carry her pain away. The reflections of the past began to float away on the still waters of her sub-conscious, leaving her sleep needlessly undisturbed and mercifully dreamless.

Her fist loosened its grasp in the small silver clauda ring of promise nestled in her palm. Glittering brilliantly in the darkness like a star who's light would never burn out…

…Who's purpose would never end…

…And no matter whom else they might love in the remainder of their existence here on Earth… the shared love it symbolized would never die…

************************************************ 

(Deep sigh) this fic was a little bit of a surprise. I wasn't expecting it, and it just came out of nowhere. I found myself sitting down at my computer, and not leaving for the almost three hours it took to write it. Now that I've finished it, I'm still surprised, but pleasantly so. I'm satisfied with the way it turned out, and I hope that it will find some fans. 

I hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading… Please don't forget to review…

(Sapphira)


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